So it's been a full four weeks at my new job. I've learned to run A-Case and B-Case lines of the 4-pinion differential lathing lines. These lines manufacture the differentials used in vehicles like the Acura TL. The next four days are likely to be a true test of my knowledge and use my engineering thought processes to maintin the output of a line, completely unsupervised. Four 12-hr shifts then three days off... I'm mostly anxious, since I've never taken compliments well and have a hard time beliveing the praise I've gotten thus far. We'll see how things are going when it comes time for my actual review.

Other than that, it's rather nice to be able to start climbing out of the financial hole I percieve myself to be in, as I owe $7k on my car still, at least $20k in student loans. It's not that such things are going to be trouble to pay off...I'd just rather be in the black, as the red bugs me 24-7 and pursuades me seclude myself...Which is not a problem anymore, since group social functions are no longer a possibility. Friend A dislikes friend B who dislikes friend C, so on and so forth.

What illusions I had, that once I became secured in my career, I would have a chance at stabilizing my surroundings...but all I want to do is leave, forget, and move on... No one here has done anything outright to me (well, except maybe one) to deserve my judgement, but with nothing to fight for, I feel useless (which is why I'm at work as much as possible)...

"Forget the past", "don't make comparisons" is what I hear. I say why forget what was good (or at least seemed to be). The one thing missing is that basic mental synergy between friends...I hate myself not being able to control my feelings of physical desires...It's not what I want nor need, but it disturbs my sense of being from time to time... Ever since I left, I have trusted noone, not ventured past the safety of my hardened shell...and what have I missed? To go back, would be only to admit weakness and find that everything has changed, regardless of what one desires...Possibilities abound, but I feel mentally alone, ultimately because...

I must want to....

Dare you not feel pity, for there is nothing more insulting than an unearned haven in times of storm...